Are you surprised at how long it's taking for human beings to develop a sense of morality that goes beyond themselves and the boundaries of their known world? (See the last 3 entries for context.)  I think this is one of the most helpful things to know about children and teens - that the solid moral stance of adulthood takes so long to develop, and goes through such distinct phases.   The moral development theorists acknowledge that some people never go beyond Stage 2 or 3.  We are about to move on, in Stage 4, to an understanding that is bigger than personal self-interest, and some people never get there.

In Stage 4, which begins in the high school years, there is a sense of responsibility to the system.  This can be a social system like a family - or church group or school.  It implies not only the social system itself but the values system that underlies it.  This is why it's important not to assume that your high school child knows what your values are by now.  This is the most important time to be talking about them, when a child is ready to understand that there is a system of values.

In this stage, what's right is fulfilling one's responsibilities to the social or values system that one feels part of.  The reason to do that is to keep the system intact, and to maintain self-respect as someone who meets obligations and lives up to expectations.  This is growth from Stage 3, because it is more independent and has a society-wide perspective.  It brings from Stage 3 the sense of caring about people personally, but takes a bigger view.  Teens begin to understand that there is a bigger world out there, one in which they will be finding their place and contributing.  They are learning to be citizens of a wider community.  This is why teens can be so committed to service projects, as a way of living out this new reality.

A person in Stage 4 can choose responsible behavior because the thinking is "What if everybody did as they pleased, took what they wanted?  The whole system would collapse."  Stage 4 is law-abiding, and its drawback is that it will usually value the system, the "law", over individual rights.  When a person in Stage 4 sees a conflict between the system and individual rights, it usually chooses the side of the system.  It will be in the next and final stage that full realization of systems as human constructs, that can be changed when individual rights are violated, will develop.

Teen-agers, who are developing abstract reasoning along with this expanded moral sense, are eager to discuss their ideas of right and wrong, and wrestle with imaginary scenarios that require hard decisions.  Keep talking to them, and asking them what they think.  It's through thinking and imagining that they will fine-tune their understanding.  Make sure they have chances to serve some part of their society - through school, church or family.  Let them experience the satisfaction of contributing their unique gifts to the world.

The next stage of moral development (see parts 1 and 2 below, to put this in context) is the first of 3 big leaps that will be made as human beings develop a full-blown value system and conscience.  Most children take this leap in the middle to upper elementary grades, and it lasts through the early to mid-teens. 

At  Stage 3, there is a new awareness of conforming to behavioral guidelines because of their social importance. The child is beginning to believe that there is value in living up to the expectations of people that the child knows and cares about.   In stages 1 and 2, a child wanted to avoid trouble and/or punishment.  In stage 3, a child wants to earn the respect and approval of the important people in his or her life.   And the child also wants to be able to think well of himself or herself.   A child is beginning to see intrinsic value in being nice, or kind, or generous, or fair - at this stage, primarily because it causes others to think well of him, and allows him to think well of himself.

Another theory of human development, that of Erik Erikson, characterizes this stage as a time when children are finding out if they are competent - and want to be able to discover ways in which they are.  It's why children might try a number of activities and sports at this age - they're trying to answer the questions "What are my strengths? What can I do well?"  So it makes sense that the growth in their moral development includes a sense of living up to expectations, of doing things well.  It contributes to their feeling of self-esteem.  It can engender a lot of kind and caring behavior.

One caution about this stage is that children still might not be able to differentiate "what's right" from "what other people want you to do".  If the goal of this stage of moral development is to live up to others' expectations, then it's important to associate with people whose expectations are good ones.  Parents can help children and young teens stay tuned in to positive values, and help them practice how to resist peer-group pressure.  They can help by stressing the positive feelings of living up to your own expectations, and those of trusted adults.

It can help a child in this stage to give concrete feedback about what you observe, helping to verbalize the new processes at work in moral development.  "I noticed that you included Annie when other children said she couldn't play.  It must have felt good to you to do something both  kind and fair."   You can also help by verbalizing the kinds of dilemmas a child faces at this age - "You are friends with both Annie and Lynn, but they are mad at each other right now.  It's hard for you to feel like you're in the middle.  It's okay to take a break from them for a while, or just to tell them that you like them both.  It might be hard, but I think it will feel good and strong if you can do it."

If you want to share examples of what we're talking about here in the comments, I'd love to see them.

As children move out of the preschool years, where their understanding of right and wrong is based on what they themselves want, the next stage represents a big leap of understanding.  In the preschool years, the right thing to do is the thing that you want to do - and your reason to behave in a certain way is to get what you want and avoid what you don't want.

Beginning around kindergarten age, and into the grade school years, children understand that there are rules which are to be followed, and they begin to have the idea "I should do what I'm told" or "I should follow the rules".  The reason to behave  is  to stay out of trouble.  Knowing that there are rules means knowing that you can get in trouble for breaking the rules.  Notice that while there is definite development, there is still not a true sense of morality at work.  Children are now thinking about their relationship to the rules, but they still don't have the capacity to understand the deeper meaning of moral choices.  They choose "should" when they can, because it keeps them out of trouble.  They might bend the truth about what they did, because their goal is to avoid consequences- they don't yet have the goal of truth for its own sake.  The less parents put them on the spot about truth-telling, the better. If you walk into a room where milk has been spilled, just have the child in the room clean it up.  A child's instinct to say "But I didn't do it!" - maybe with the milk carton still in hand - shows us that the focus is still on avoiding blame.  A helpful response is "There is milk on the floor that needs cleaning up - here's a towel".

I read an interesting piece of research which showed that elementary-age children do understand that it takes strength and will to follow the rules - they understand that delaying gratification of their desires is to be admired because it is hard to do.  They understand, too, that there is a reason for adults to be the ones making rules, so in this sense they are moving away from the egocentric early years.  But they are not yet able to solve a moral dilemma for which they don't know the rule.

I think this age is especially challenging for parents, because children have more language and more knowledge about the world, and it's hard to imagine that they are still far from having a fully developed conscience. They can talk the talk long before they can walk the walk.  But they are on their way to a fully developed conscience!  Like so many aspects of human development, having patience with the building blocks that lead to adulthood is the greatest gift we can give children and youth.

So, given this stage of morality, what can help children?  Be clear about your rules and consequences - have as few of them as you need, but stick to them consistently.  Follow rules yourself, so that you are modeling that behavior, and also to lay groundwork for later development.  Let it be okay for children to not want to do something, even though they have to do it. (This is good practice for adult life!)   Notice and give concrete, appreciative feedback when they follow rules - something like "It must have been hard to stop reading that book when it was time for lights out - you love that book but you still followed the rule!"   When they make a mistake, help them think about how it could go differently next time. 

It has only been in the last 30-40 years that experts in human development have turned their attention to how and when human beings develop a sense of right and wrong that is intrinsically motivating.  How do children think about their behavior, and what is their motivation for choosing to do the "right thing"?

I think one of the hardest challenges of parenting is knowing the best way to react to early experimentation or testing in the realms of truth-telling, taking things, being kind or unkind.  Because we have, hopefully, modeled and talked about why these things are important, we think that our children understand the big picture of moral decision making.  But it is surprisingly late in development that they have a fully-developed conscience.  Before that, we are helping them learn the forms of good behavior.  As they mature, they will understand the "why".

For the next couple of blog entries, I'm going to walk through the stages, beginning today with the preschool years, up through about age 4 or 5.  For each stage, we will look at how children view  "what's right", and their motivation for being good.  The person who formulated this view of moral development is Lawrence Kohlberg, and some of this work is from William Damon and Robert Selman. 

The preschool stage of moral development is called "Egocentric Reasoning".  The primary thought about what is right is "I should get my own way".  The reason to be good is to get rewards, and avoid punishment.  You can see that this stage is very concrete, and its frame of reference is the child itself, and what the child desires.  It's important to say that children this age can act kindly, and can notice another person's feelings.  But their moral logic is still quite self-centered.  To them, things seem wrong or unfair if they are not getting what they want.  This is their primary measuring tool for whether things are "right" or "wrong" - does it get me what I want, or not?

It is this very quality that can make parents feel frustrated or angry if they don't know that it is how young children are.   It's important to stick to the rules, limits or decisions you've made as parents - even if young children are upset because it's not what they wanted.  It can build a groundwork for their future understanding if you give simple explanations of why you're making the decision. "You can't have a play date today, your sister isn't feeling well."  But it can be a relief to let go of worrying that they aren't understanding the intrinsic rightness of things - they simply aren't able to yet.  It can actually help to describe that for them - "You wish we would do your idea every time, but this is a decision for parents to make". 

This also helps to explain why young children try to deflect responsibility for something that's gone wrong. If you ask a young child "Did you spill the juice?" she will very likely say "No", with the upturned cup in hand.  Her goal for now is to avoid punishment or consequences. That is her frame of reference.  It's more helpful to say "I see spilled juice.  Here's a wet towel for you to wipe it up."  Or "I see spilled juice - I'll put your cup away now, and you can help to clean this up".  Then, even if a child says "But I didn't spill it!" you can just stay with the job of cleaning up that needs to be done.  You could say "Juice gets spilled sometimes - and then we clean it up". It won't help to get involved in a "Yes, you did" - "No, I didn't" discussion. You will be understanding that the child's moral reasoning has a long way to go to maturation.

Children at this stage are not being manipulative or pretending that they didn't know that something was wrong. They may know that they are making choices that break your rules, but their primary frame of reference is still what they themselves want.  By that standard, breaking the rules might be the thing to do.  Testing rules is also a way that they maintain the secure, safe feeling that consistent limits provide.  Our stance as parents, then, is that we will keep helping them follow the rules, even when it is hard for them to do.

Next time we'll talk about the next stage or two, and we really will end up with an understanding of moral principles, at the end of the stages!

I recently ran across this paragraph in a history of early childhood education by the wonderful writer, teacher and advocate for children, David Elkind.

"The early childhood curriculum [in an appropriate early childhood setting] is the most holistic and least differentiated at any level of education.  It is also the most solidly grounded in philosophy, in clearly articulated methodology, and in theory and research.  Those who contributed to the discipline of early childhood education came from occupations and professions outside the academic domain.  What they had in common was an understanding of children.  And that is what makes early childhood education unique; it starts with the child and not with the subject matter."  (David Elkind, The Wisdom of Play)

I wondered how this lovely idea of starting with the child might be for parents.  It could mean that parents find out something about what a 1- or 2- or 5-year old is usually like, so that they could check to see that their expectations could really be met by a child that age.   Knowing what to expect is such a relief!  It could mean starting with each individual child, and understanding that your quieter second child does not enjoy something that your lively first child does. 

It could mean that when a child suprises you by what seems like unexpected behavior, you start with the child as you try to imagine what led to it.  Is she out of routine, tired, hungry?  Has he used up all his ability to cope by getting through a busy day?  Has it been a while since she had some one-on-one with a parent?  Starting with the child instead of the behavior (while, of course, helping to stop behavior that is harmful) would lead us naturally to trying to understand the situation from the child's point of view.  And seeing the child's point of view will help us know how to help the child move forward.

It's not always easy to do this, and sometimes you have to start with yourself and your reaction. It might tell you that you are out of routine, tired or hungry.  It might tell you that you need some time to yourself. 

Hope that you have a good weekend, and as always I welcome your comments.