Take Heart

The opportunity to do premarital counseling is one of the joys of my work at First Community Church. The couples are open to the process and eager to learn skills that will contribute to the health of their new family. 

There is one strategy that couples tell me is especially helpful: taking a time-out. It’s not unusual for couples to say they’ve already put it into practice between their first and second session with me! 

When conflict heats up the brain becomes flooded with emotion.  You are so angry or frustrated that you can’t think straight – literally. You lose your capacity for problem-solving and creative thinking. That’s when a time-out is beneficial. Brain researchers tell us it takes a minimum of 20 minutes for this flooding of the brain to recede; most couples take a break for about an hour. To make it work, there are some guidelines to remember:

Calling for a time-out can be as simple as saying I need a break.   Always speak for yourself; it is rarely helpful to tell someone else they need a break.

Suggest a time to return to the conversation. This is essential. A time-out means taking a temporary break, not avoiding difficult conflicts.

Know what calms you down. Sometimes all it takes is a few deep breaths, or you might take a walk, read a book, pray or watch TV for a while.

Return to the conversation to seek a solution that both individuals can feel good about.

Over the millennia, all the great spiritual teachers practiced some version of stepping back for rest and a new perspective. Jesus modeled this technique for us; he often took time alone to meditate and pray. On occasion, when the crush of the crowds became too much, he and the disciples moved on to another place. He returned to the work of preaching and healing with renewed physical and spiritual strength. So take a break; it will be good for you and the people you love.

Peace,
Rev. Deborah C. Lindsay
Minister of Spiritual Care

To varying degrees, we all struggle with an internal critic – that voice that says, “You really messed up...you always do that wrong…how could you say that?” Writer Wendy Palmer calls the voice our inner grinch, a personal version of the Dr. Seuss character notorious for trying to steal Christmas from the Whos down in Whoville.

Palmer has written a wonderful book called The Intuitive Body: Discovering the Wisdom of Conscious Embodiment and Aikido. She writes about how we can cultivate positive qualities like openness, gratitude, compassion, vitality, faith, patience and acceptance. One of the best ways to grow these traits is to apply them first to the inner grinch. Palmer calls this the “yes…and” technique.

Here’s how it works: the inner grinch says, “You’re always so cranky.”  You would reply, “Yes, that’s true, I am cranky and if I had more gratitude (or acceptance or another quality) in my life, what would it feel like?” Palmer’s approach is different from arguing with the negative thought, which is what many psychologists suggest. Don’t fight it, she says, flow with it.

Palmer explains: “By acknowledging the negative voice, we blend with it. We soften the negative blow by going with it and not resisting. Asking the question leads our attention toward exploring the sensation of what we want to develop instead of fighting against our grinch. With practice, I have come to smile and acknowledge the familiar inner grinch that seizes any opportunity to harp on my limitations and inabilities.”

Palmer’s “yes…and” technique is rooted in her lifelong Aikido practice. Aikido is a martial art that developed in Japan in the early 1900s; its aim is to defend against an attack without doing injury to the attacker. Aikido does not require great physical strength; in fact it uses the opponent’s own energy to redirect or stop the attack. It does require being centered, balanced, and focused. In the same way that an Aikido practitioner blends with his or her opponent Palmer suggests we blend with the inner grinch to disarm it.

If Jesus had been an Aikido practitioner he would surely have been a master. The teachings of Jesus and Aikido founder Morehei Ueshiba share a commitment to love and respect all people, even those who seek to harm others. Jesus calls us to turn the other cheek; Ueshiba calls us to blend and flow. All of our lives can be enriched by adopting this practice toward each other and ourselves.

Peace,
Rev. Deborah C. Lindsay
Minister of Spiritual Care

Have you ever noticed how sometimes a book seems to jump right off the shelf at you? That’s what happened with The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma (New World Library Press, 2010).  I’ve had my share of experience with my own life coming unglued and my ministry brings me into daily contact with folk who feel their lives are falling apart, so it is no wonder this book called to me.

I should say up front that I don’t agree with everything Kingma has to say, but one of her ten strategies is especially helpful: remember who you’ve always been. When life is coming apart at the seams, it’s common to feel your confidence, sense of personal effectiveness, and even faith have disappeared into thin air. It is at this moment of feeling helpless and hopeless that Kingma suggests you remember who you’ve always been:

Who you are now is who you’ve always been. You didn’t wake up today as somebody else. You are a single, talented, rare, unrepeatable human being. There is something at your core that’s unique to you, that always has been and always will be. This is the through-line of your personal essence, the chiming chord of your unique existence. It has carried you through every day of the year, every year of your life, and it is what will sustain you now.

Here’s more good news: you are not on your own in the task of remembering. One of the good gifts of the church – the family of faith – is it can be a circle of caring people who help you remember who you’ve always been. As the old saying goes, the community of faith can sing your song when you have forgotten the words.

And then there is the One who remembers best who you’ve always been, the One who created you and calls you by name. In times of trouble, disappointment, and grief there is comfort and hope in remembering you were created as a perfect child of God. That is who you’ve always been – and ever shall be.

Peace,

Deborah Countiss Lindsay

Minister of Spiritual Care

What is the hardest thing to talk about? Sex, money, politics – lots of topics come to mind. For many of us, death and dying are among the difficult subjects and yet the willingness to talk about them is a real gift to your loved ones.

From a hospice colleague, I received this list of “courageous conversation starters.” The following questions will help you start talking with your partner, children, parents, or anyone who is important in your life. Remember, it’s easier to reflect on these issues when you are not under pressure rather than waiting until you must make decisions.

What do you value and enjoy about your life? Your definition of quality of life might include: being outdoors, reading or listening to music, spending time with family, or enjoying fellowship with the church community.

Have you lost a loved one? What did you learn from that experience?

How important is it for you to be able to care for yourself?

How well do you think you could receive help from others?

What is important to you in the spiritual part of your life?

If you were sick, what important needs would you want addressed?

Do you trust your doctor and feel able to talk with him/her about end-of-life issues?

Who would you want to make medical decisions for you if you could not make them for yourself?

Have you completed a living will and other advance directives? These documents are readily available, free, and they do not require a lawyer to complete. Make sure your loved ones are aware of your wishes and know the location of your living will and other documents.

What are your fears or concerns regarding the end of your life?

Under what circumstances would dying naturally be preferable to sustaining life?

What do you find comforting when you are afraid – prayer, touch, music, poetry, nature?

Do you wish to be an organ donor?

Death is part of life, but as Christians we have the Easter promise that death does not have the final word. Sharing in this transition can be a rich and sacred experience. Please feel free to call on us in Pastoral Care to support you in having courageous conversations; Jim Long, Julie Osborn, and I are ready to help. 

Blessings,

Deborah C. Lindsay

Minister of Spiritual Care

My friend and colleague, Jim Long, recently introduced me to the writing of Jack Kornfield, a clinical psychologist and Buddhist monk.  Kornfield articulates the universal ideas in Buddhist teaching that are helpful to people of many faith traditions.

In Kornfield’s book, The Wise Heart, I read about a giant Buddha statue in Thailand that has an important story to tell. The statue is in a large temple outside Sukotai, a capital of Thailand in centuries past.

At one time, a very large and very old clay Buddha sat in the temple.  There are many intricate and refined Buddhas in the east – fine examples of ancient art – but this plain clay statue was not one of them. Nonetheless, the statue had been meticulously cared for over a span of 500 years. Kornfield writes, “Violent storms, changes of government, and invading armies had come and gone, but the Buddha endured. It became revered for its sheer longevity.”

The monks who took care of the temple one day noticed the statue was developing cracks and would soon be in need of serious repair work. One day when the cracks became alarmingly large, a monk took a flashlight to look inside. What he revealed was stunning.  Under a thick layer of mud, clay, and centuries of dirt was pure gold.  The monks discovered their temple was home to one of the largest and most beautiful gold images of the Buddha ever created in Southeast Asia, and today pilgrims from all over the world travel to see it.

The monks believe their treasure was covered with clay and mud to protect it during times of conflict and war. Kornfield says as individuals, we do much the same thing; in the face of life’s challenges and disappointments we build up layers of protection that obscure our true center. When they develop, those protective layers can literally be lifesavers. But there comes a moment when we are able to see them for what they really are: layers of dirt and mud that have served their purpose and now only hide the light of God that shines within.

Buddhists call this our Buddha nature; in the Christian tradition we might call it Christ-consciousness or God-consciousness. The Quakers say simply, there is “that of God” in all of us. In these days after Easter, I invite you to crack through whatever mud is covering your best self – your divine nature. It will be a gift you give to yourself, the world, and most of all, to God.

Blessings,

Deborah C. Lindsay

Minister of Spiritual Care